"One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor."
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?
Could it be that all those trick-or-treaters wearing sheets aren't going as ghosts but as mattresses?
Is there another word for synonym?
Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.
To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated, but not be able to say it.
Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
The older you get, the better you realize you were.
Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
Women like silent men, they think they're listening.
If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?
Some people think of the glass as half full. Some people think of the glass as half empty. I think of the glass as too big.
If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
Ever notice that anyone going slower than you is an idiot, but anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
If I had my choice of how to die I would like to be sitting on the crosstown bus and suddenly burst into flames.
It's time to start slapping people.
I'm not into working out. My philosophy is no pain, no pain.
I'm in shape. Round is a shape.
I'm a visionary; I'm ahead of my time. Trouble is, I'm only about an hour and a half ahead.
"Tomorrow night is the Nickelodeon Kid's Choice Awards, and again, I wasn't nominated. Why the F*CK aren't enough kids watching my show?!"
- Dennis Miller
The Break-Up of the Leguizamo Marriage:
"But baby, I thought you were suppose to love me no matter what?"
"You must be confusing me for Jesus!"
- John Leguizamo
"You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans." (Editors Note: Hey, I'm a Texan! But then again...good point, George).
- George Carlin
"There is now a Starbucks...in my pants."
- George Carlin
"If you love someone, set them free; if they come home, set them on fire."
"We live in a country, where John Lennon takes six bullets in the chest, Yoko Ono was standing right next to him and not one f*cking bullet! Explain that to me! Explain that to me, God!"
- Denis Leary
"Let me tell you something. We need a two and a half hour movie about the Doors? Folks, no we don't. I can sum it up for you in five seconds, ok. "I'm drunk. I'm nobody. I'm drunk. I'm famous. I'm drunk. I'm f*cking dead." There's the whole movie, ok!? Big fat dead guy in a bath tub, there's your title for you."
- Denis Leary
"All these rock stars should've been killed, man. Every single God damned one of them. Right after Jon Lennon died, we should've gotten the Partridge Family bus and driven around and killed them all one by one!"
- Denis Leary (a BIG Lennon fan. Don't be mislead: he means John dying was the last straw. Once he's gone, screw the rest!)